There are times where we have no answers or patterns to follow or make sense of what is happening. This seems so disconcerting, but it also allows for growth, imagination, and the potential for anything to happen. We must stop asking, what should be happening and start asking what could exist if we only tried.

I want to make it clear that in this post I’m not asking why I am gay, that is a writing exercise for another day. Meaning this essay isn’t why I am attracted to men, this is why I am attracted to a certain type of man, why I am attracted to the brand of masculinity that I am. I’m exploring my sexual attunement and discussing the style of man, not man itself.

Do I feel masculinity is superior? No, not at all. Seeing Masc for masc on apps sounds troubling because it is indeed troubling. It’s exclusion by identity rather than exclusion by actual attraction. How does one even categorize themselves as “masc” or place a level on their masculinity in an app when each person has a very subjective view of their own masculinity as well as that of others they have yet to meet and have only seen a carefully curated photo of? If we place a value upon a person because of our perception of their attractiveness, we are exercising our exclusion by identity by making our own perception the identity we place upon them and then judging them based on our prejudice. A good majority of people understand this when applied to other scenarios (and many do not) It’s ok to say we don’t like certain flavors in the food we eat, but it’s not ok to say we don’t like the food because of the race of the person who cooked it.

I’m attracted to someone because they mirror or compliment a need or desire in me, and chemistry is when they respond in the same way. Attraction is not about superiority but rather a magnetic pull of seeking a reconciliation of one’s desires and needs through the person who arouses them. Meaning, what does my body respond to? You could be the most handsome or beautiful man in the world (also subjective but lets say Mr Universe), yet if your potential partner is not aroused and engaged by you, how could can desire develop? Attraction functions like our taste in food, not our near sided taxonomy of the person cooking it. We don’t owe everyone desire, but we do owe everyone respect and decency.

Presence or Repulsion

Personally what I am attracted to is self restrained power, those who have the ability to exercise their power yet know how, why, and when to do so. I am not interested in those who do not know how to wield a sword without cutting themselves and those around them, that is repulsive to me. I pay attention to those who know how to navigate the world, rarely seeing a need to exercise their power because they are comfortable and secure with themselves and understand exactly what a threat is and isn’t.

Understanding this capacity of what I’m referring to here as masculine power (far more appropriate names for it I’m sure) is understood best by trial and error, feeling the hurt and seeing firsthand that a man who does not confuse discomfort with danger and, who understands what a proportional response to a possible threat is. A man who measures twice and cuts once, so to speak. Understanding that those who speak the loudest and draw attention to themselves are often doing so as cries of insecurity. Don’t tell me I must respect you and show you loyalty, show me you have earned it by the hard work you have put into yourself. Prove to me that the person inside is an adult who is capable of restraining the masculine body he inhabits.

Recognition of Desire

If I chase in others what I lack myself I will only remain disappointed because I have not done the work to posses those qualities myself, but I do admire and am attracted to shared or similar successful survival patterns. I’m drawn to men who put in the work to earn from themselves the comfort of being in their own bodies. I’m attracted to men who have worn the same shoes as I have. Who have struggled with understanding their own masculinity and have triumphed.

We can only be apologetic about our desires if we also understand their relationship to the personal values we apply to our own worth, because they are linked. When we have a healthy sense of our own value and that of those around us, our desires become far more clear, and the way we seek and express them becomes more in tune with who we want to be, and be with.

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As always please share your thoughts, I’m looking forward to discussing this topic with you in the comments! Please subscribe now for Chasing Masculinity : Part 3

As a gay man living in the Midwest who slowly began to come out and understand who he actually is, my answer has slowly developed alongside my understanding of both the world and myself.

My concept of masculinity was defined largely by religious indoctrination. I was supposed to be level headed. I could show emotion, but not in the same way as a woman. I was expected to be the head of the household and family. As a man, I was supposed to make the ultimate decision for the family at the end of the day. These were things I learned to follow like an act. I played the role and hated every moment of it, though I could not understand why, or rather, I did not want to admit why.

Looking back, my attempt to understand where the lines of sexuality and gender trait expression intersect and diverge helped me see why I rejected the idea of embracing masculinity at a younger age. I was disgusted with the men around me. I found them hypocritical, unethical, lacking values, and lazy. I wanted nothing to do with them. I refused to resemble them in any way. I had identified toxic masculinity without even being aware of what it was and understood it to be masculinity in general.

The Male Body

I simultaneously found the male form attractive and arousing while I also hated many aspects of my own body. I can even say that masturbating and watching porn hurt my conscience, not because of my religious upbringing, but because I was attracted to what disgusted me. It symbolized power and dominance, control within a hierarchy, and all the negative qualities I had come to despise. I was attached to that which I could not reconcile with who I was being told to be. The male form had been incorrectly defined for me as something beyond strength and athleticism. It meant dominance, and belonging to a club I was not interested in or supposed to be invited to. My inner self did not match my exterior’s potential. I felt counterfeit.

Beginning in my late teens, I spent a considerable amount of time researching and understanding my spiritual and emotional state, fine tuning who I was inside, while just as faithfully neglecting understanding and knowing my body’s potential. I worked hard to keep my body slim, but not muscular. I eventually became skinny fat and depressed in my twenties and early thirties. In many ways, I hated my body. It reminded me of the struggles around my sexuality and attraction that I was so strongly resisting.

Though not muscular, I was often referred to as a beautiful man, a handsome man in my youth. I was very aware of how much influence my looks could have on the circumstances I found myself in. Yet I hated feeling weak. I hated being out of shape. I also hated the idea that straight men had something over me, as if they were blessed with a special strength that I lacked. I knew in my heart that was not true and I refused to feel inferior, and with my mind and wit, I learned to put those who intimidated me in their place within the scope of power that I possessed and had honed; tactics, logic, strategy and diplomacy.

Yet this has not been enough for me as I have continued to grow into myself. Refusing inferiority meant charging toward something I not only hated, but had never embraced: my body and its potential. I have already engaged my fears and inner demons. So I became determined to engage the demons that spill over into the physical and embrace becoming muscular and embody my own concept of masculinity, while remaining congruent with that vision in mind, body, and spirit.

I have noticed that as I have grown more comfortable with my sexuality and who I sleep with, I have also grown more comfortable with my gender expression and masculinity. I am no longer resisting my masculinity and displaying it externally the way I once did, but I’m learning where the boundaries of toxicity live. In order to accomplish this I also no longer resist appreciating my feminine qualities. In the present, I am discovering who I am in full, and for me, that has meant understanding and knowing the entirety of my mind, body and soul’s potential.

What I later came to realize is that the men I respected and truly knew as good men did not share the qualities I hated so much. I learned that I was attracted to them not because I was broken, but because they did not display the toxic qualities that I found repugnant, and this realization helped me separate my attraction between my sexuality and their gender traits and expression even more. My masculinity as I am continuing to discover and understand is my self acceptance of my entire being and self, my desires, my actions, my mannerisms, my beliefs and my body.

My masculine and feminine traits are not different aspects of me; I simply am, and it is with that acceptance that I continue this journey of discovery and learn to love all of myself.
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In my next article, I’ll continue to explore masculinity and further questions. Since it was once something imposed, policed, and resented by me, what does it mean that I now want it in another man?

When I changed my beliefs as an adult man, I realized sacrifice would be involved. I realized that it would be a journey and may take time to see joy again in my life. But I believed something better awaited me, freedom.

The world around us, it scares me right now, I’m not ashamed to admit it. How we see fellow humans treating each other, this isn’t normal. Humanity as a whole is better than this, but we can rise to the challenges around us with hope and compassion.

I’ve written about Pluralized Individualism before and the need to grow beyond tribalism. This is yet another opportunity for humanity to do so. We must move towards an agree to disagree mentality as it is pertinent to peace. We must aspire to always place the value of human life above our own personal desires and wants. If we do not value life, how can we possibly love? If we do not respect the universal rights of our neighbors, can we call ourselves a neighbor, or even a good person? What I hope for humankind is that we grow and begin to prioritize peace, even if we aren’t always harmonious in belief. Until we unshackle and respect everyone’s universal human rights, none of us can say that we are truly free.

Everyday so many of us wake up and look around and wonder how we arrived where we are today. More importantly, we wonder how we can make change in a world that doesn’t seem to respond to our cries and concerns.

Humanity has seen darker times than we have currently, and with each darkness and enlightenment we have experienced, strengthening communities has been key to finding brighter futures.

We will not change the world with one demonstration; we will not convince someone in one conversation. Changing minds and hearts takes much time and energy, like the growth of a magnificent tree or the wearing away of a riverbank reshaping a landscape.

One of the most powerful actions a person can do right now to change the world is to have a cup of coffee with our neighbor, express our own personal journey in life, explain how we became the person we have become, and share why we feel the way we do about the world now and where we are headed.

Yet the very most powerful thing we can do is to listen intently to the person across from us as they tell us the path they have walked themselves. Listen to their fears, listen to their wants, needs, and concerns, not in a transactional way, but by holding their thoughts in compassion as if they were our concerns.

Morning will always come, but it is up to us as individuals how we spend the dark night, and what we do to protect those we care for, our loved ones, our community, as this world shifts around us.

These are from the “not pretty” area, but I think they look delicious. As food prices keep going up, we all will need to start thinking beyond our normal habits. I thanked my mom in my heart while shopping today for teaching me as a kid to hunt for deals and to dynamically adapt and cook recipes to use what is available.

Any guesses what I’m going to make with these?

We have had enough of being routinely slurred and left in the gutter like a flea. We will cast these chains off like the bird of fire and seek victory on plains far higher.

There are many who choose not to understand us and instead conspire. We need not worry when our rainbow array is united as a choir; it’s then our voices have better chances of being heard, preventing our freedoms from being deferred, deterred, and left in mire like an unloved herd.

We demand to have the basic rights as a bird, for now many of us must fly away from all that is absurd. Yet we refuse to allow you to steal away and then hide our identity & dignity and gaslight us into thinking that never has occurred. We will be strong to the last fight because in our hearts we know we have grass roots might.

Here’s the take away, many of us have lost everything already, be careful when you chose us as an opponent, there will be nothing you can say or pray that will make us disappear and go away because you forget one small component. You forget we are actually your sons and daughters, it is us who need waters of life now, yet I promise we will remember that you chose to shun and at times even slaughter with us with your own guns.

So take a moment and think, when you stifle and attempt to destroy us you won’t avoid being indicted, you forget you harm your future, your legacy and everything because you refuse to be reunited, yet we have hope, for the colors of our rainbow transcend every party, creed and race, so while we won’t forget that you have left us blighted, we have far greater hope because within us something has been Ignited, our hearts are already freed because we already live the dream and values of these states united.

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Here is my advice to you regarding the skills I needed to survive under intense stress and in a world where I was not welcome to be me. These are lessons I learned from over 30 years in a cult, leaving and then losing everything. Times are rough, this might prove helpful.

We must find a reason to survive, and if we lose our reason, we must find another. These are our happy thoughts, and they do indeed help us stand tall when we do not have the energy to move.

When we can control nothing else in life, we can control our beliefs, we can hold them deep in our heart, sometimes privately, without anyone knowing but us!

We must reinvent the meaning of our suffering until it becomes a reason to continue on itself. We must be adaptable in our strategy to survive, but we can NEVER compromise our vision or our hope.

When we are overwhelmed, we break it down into just 5 days at a time, or 5 hours, or 5 minutes, and perhaps even just 5 seconds at a time. The point is we manage the weight of our burdens in increments, and we must celebrate our wins, no matter how small.

But most importantly, we must know deep in our soul, without a doubt, that we are not alone. We must feel it inside, no matter what anyone tells us, even if we never meet another soul, we MUST believe that we are never alone.

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Occasionally, I dedicate a photo I have captured to a person that I love or respect. I’m planning on doing this more with sunsets, landscapes and other photos from nature of unique and beautiful moments. I find these moments beautiful just like the person who is brought to my mind when taking the photo or reflecting on it.

This photo reminds me of my friend Kristi Seaton. She is the water reflecting those brilliant colors. Her love for humanity serves as an example for all. She loyally reflects compassion to our eyes by her actions and words, not in a pious way that demands attention, but by adding to the beauty of the entire landscape with soft yet powerful grace.

We must build a world where compassion prevails, where the most vulnerable are safe, and where we show that we love our neighbors.

It is imperative that we love our neighbor for our own ability to thrive, whether they are rich, poor, homeless, regardless of their gender or race. We must find empathy and understanding somehow, even if we disagree, even if they disagree. We cannot retaliate in kind, we must rise above and grow somehow. We must find a way to love each other without causing injury.

It’s a vibe.

Captured at Missouri State Fair Grounds in Sedalia, Missouri

I love this city.

#kcmo

— in River Market, Kansas City, Missouri.

My brain on fire, a rattled core,
Back and forth, tides crash hard,
Thoughts adrift, with no guard,

This soul lost at sea, far from shore,
Holding hope of rescue no more.

Halt the thinking, brace for commotion, It spins fast, be ready, incoming emotions.

Hateful anger, horrific frights, darkened nights,
Never-ending fall from heights, impending doom consumes,
Claustrophobic, paralyzed, entombed while violent shadows fill the room.

Voices whisper, whispers chant, murmurs cry aloud,
Alone but wondering why this crowd?

Days are short, nights are long.
Happiness fails, memories yell, cares deflate, my hallucinations debate
In this state for which none can relate.

Shit, I hate this fate, I feel duped, I can’t depart,
Always on rewind loop from the start,

My racing mind, and worried heart…

The world is obsessed with defensiveness, debate, and division. We have a choice to get off that ride and do something radical: to sit not across from one another, but to sit NEXT to each other as we share a meal and listen with true intent and care. Not to win with our view, but to understand and to be vulnerable.

The first step toward peace in our community is not agreement. It is observing and understanding our mutual needs.

The objective here is for people from wildly different backgrounds to come together not as opponents, but as humans. We may never share the exact same views, but what we do share matters: We all eat. We all bleed. We all love. We all fear. If we can remember those areas first, we can begin to remember what connects us and our communities.

We can all begin and contribute to this or similar community projects. With just one shared meal, one conversation, and the very courageous act of listening first.

If you would like to learn more or have interest in participating in some of the upcoming meals that I have been able to help facilitate, please contact me.

I’m finding more and more that great things happen when our feelings, thoughts, words, and actions are congruent. When these aspects of ourselves align, happiness is found.

When my internal dialogue is in turmoil I often find that one of these: my feelings, my thoughts, my words, or my actions has deviated from the others and harmony has been lost in my mind and if enough time passes my life.

In my opinion the journey towards congruence begins with acknowledging feelings. Emotions are often the first warning system that guide us through life’s complexities. By understanding and respecting our feelings, we can make choices that truly resonate with our outlook. This emotional honesty is the foundation upon which we can build a life of authenticity.

Our thoughts are powerful forces that shape our perceptions and realities. When our thoughts align with our feelings, we can achieve a sense of clarity and purpose. This alignment is crucial for making decisions that reflect who we truly are and what we genuinely desire. It is about having a harmonious internal dialogue where our thoughts echo who we truly are as a person. I imagine our thoughts as the love child of our desires but tempered with logic and awareness.

Words are the expressions of our inner world. They have the power to manifest our thoughts and feelings into reality. When our words align with our internal states, they become tools for authentic expression and powerful communication. Speaking truthfully and respectfully, in a way that reflects our true thoughts and feelings, strengthens our relationships and enhances our integrity.

Finally, actions must mirror our feelings, thoughts, and words. This is where the heart and soul of congruence lives. It’s about actually walking our talk. When our actions are a true reflection of our inner self, we live a life of integrity to self and respect of others. This congruence in action ensures that we are not only true to ourselves but also to the world around us.

The congruence of feelings, thoughts, words, and actions is a path towards self discovery and true authenticity. Each area plays a necessary role in shaping a life of happiness. As we align our existence, we not only find inner peace but also bring a positive impact to those around us.

In shadows cast by life’s hand, I stood alone on desolate land.

Lost, forsaken, my heart bereft, trapped a world where bonds I once had left.

With weary steps, I tread that path, Where laughter once danced, I experianced silent wrath.

Isolation’s cloak tightened its hold, As sorrow’s whispers pierced my soul, bold.

Longing for connections, lost and gone, Yearning for love, yet feeling withdrawn,

But though the world may turn its back, Within me flickers strength, never to lack.

In solitude’s embrace, I found my voice, rising above, making a choice,

Finding solace in my own embrace, And rewriting the narrative, with grace.

Embracing me, proud and free, I discovered strength which is my key,

In acceptance, I found my worth, A being, now embracing my rebirth.

And as laughter resounds, Love’s gentle arms wrap me around,

Building family once more, a place of light and might, Together we conquer the darkest of night.

The past may fade, but hope shall remain, A token of love, erasing the pain.

So, let my wounds of yesteryear heal, With each sunrise, a renewed zeal,

For in the depths of despair, I find, Strength to rebuild, and leave pain behind.